Regretting all in one state

How did I know AT&T regretted having so many people in NJ? Because the CEO told me so.

Impressive, but not so in this case. I got roped into 'Lunch with the CEO', a horrifying experience that one dreads as much as jury duty – you should want to go, but you really, really don't want to go.

'Lunch with the CEO'

'Lunch with the CEO' is a sit down lunch in the CEO's private dining room with about twenty other employees. The only thing you have in common with them is that they too are clinging with you on the same rung on the corporate ladder so very far below the CEO.

The lunch went (and evidently always went) with the CEO coming in to the dining room with all the diners already seated (Trump Apprentice style), he'd sit down and after a couple of minutes conversation about the weather, he would ask if we had any questions.

You wear a huge name tag, as if to get the conversation going. The name tag is so the CEO can stare at your chest for a moment or two then start his answer to any question you may pose with 'well Suzy, I'm glad you asked that...' You'd think he could sneak a couple of peaks at your chest while you were asking the question, but he's too busy eating. Thankful he didn't try to eat and answer Suzy's questions at the same time.

My seat mate was Suzy. Actually she posed a couple of interesting questions, unfortunately since the CEO was eating at the time, he misjudged where the voice came from. For the first question, he read my chest and then prefaced his answer with “Interesting question, Mary.” I could feel the heat as Suzy's face reddened besides me before she interrupted the CEO to say, “Sorry, that was me that asked the question.” The CEO actually took a moment to process that, although you could've easily interpret the look as the CEO giving Suzy the 'don't interupt me' stare. And sure enough after the awkward moment passed, the guy stared at her chest for a moment and then restarted the answer with “Interesting question, Suzy...”

As the CEO shook our hands as we left, he shook Suzy's hand and said 'thanks for coming', then he shook my hand and said, 'very interesting questions...(stare at my chest)...Mary.'

Ah the industry giant that he was. This was the CEO with the big ears. It was during this luncheon that I learned about AT&T's regret about putting all their headquarters and administrative buildings in one state.

Upside delusion, downside doghouse

It's true some folks, under some delusion that in a couple of years they'll be working directly for the CEO, think it's an honor to go to these luncheons. I knew nothing positive would come out of it. Even if the CEO thought my questions (I mean Suzy's) were the most insightful things he's ever heard, there'd be no 'let's give her this project to sink her teeth into', much less 'let's promote that gal with such great questions.'

There was however, possible downsides to the luncheon. If you didn't take it seriously - and that could take in a number of factors from dress, to make-up, to slang used, to not coming prepared with questions – your VP would hear about it. And the last thing a VP, who rarely ever speaks to the CEO without his executive VP present, wants a rare phone call from the CEO to be about you and your behavior at his luncheon. Most likely the call wouldn't come from the CEO himself but an assistant. But the mere thought that the CEO even thought to tell an assistant to call about an underling is traumatic.

I was prepared for the luncheon by my boss who was stunned that I got an invitation (I was never a 'golden hair' girl). The downside details were spoken to me in grave tones. My strategy going in was to simply sit there and look attentive, no questions. That was considered the safest for us all.

Calling all Ursilines

The manuscript that was edited? I was told to get a new editor.

The search for a new Ursiline, renewed. This might be worth paying $30 at one of those people search sites.

For my new friends, do a search on Ursiline. Too much to retell.

Writers' conference, that's all she wrote

"Writing workshops should make you want to write." A big thank you to Carol, one of my writing workshop mates, for telling me that last night. My internal pendulum was on a big swing on the negative side. Carol's sage thought brought it back down.

Yesterday was a pivotal workshop day for me. My manuscript was being critiqued in both of the workshops I was taking.

My morning workshop really liked the manuscript in a gentle 'needs work' kind of way. Overall, it was very positive feedback even on my faults. Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, if you can take one of her workshops do so. For me to spend part of my lunchtime after her workshop reworking my manuscript should tell you something. Her comments and the way she led the class on their comments - including mine - made a huge difference. I felt pumped leaving her workshop and I know I wasn't alone.

My other workshop is a different story. They hated the manuscript. As I'm known for exaggeration, I'll give you just a few of the critical comments given:

1. "It's just ten pages about checking into a hotel."
2. "Know nothing about the lead character and don't care to learn."
3. "The character could rent out some of her emotional space."

And these were just some of the teacher's comments! Think about it, given comment 2, does it not follow that comment 3 was directed at me. Probably not, but at the time it felt like it.

My classmates weren't any better. Yes the writer who wrote about the mother telling her daughter about her abortion for the 1,000th time hated it. The class and instructor loved her piece. The guy using yo yo tricks to kick start a homosexual relationship hated my piece. The class and instructor loved his.

I left this workshop, feeling devastated and perplexed. Luckily I stayed around for the cocktail hour and ran into Carol, the sage advice giver. I almost didn't make it into room holding the cocktail party, having to step around the afternoon workshop group just to walk into the place. But I did and soon after was feeling much better.

Writers' conference, a lot of work

I signed up for it. I paid good money for it. I've now worked my rear off for it, so I can't complain.

Let's review what work this has so far entailed:

• Rewriting, polishing and editing a 10 page manuscript (thankfully double spaced with 1.5" margins)
• Writing up a synopsis (one page summarizing 300, not as easy as it seems)
• Writing up a sales pitch (30 seconds which stumped me annoyingly for days, but now it's done)
• Researching who my instructors are (the conference notes highly suggests you do that, I don't know why when you know the first day of class they'll introduce themselves for about 10 minutes)
• And the worst part, reading and commenting on your classmates' manuscripts and synopsises.

Let's get the grammar and spelling mistakes found in my fellow students' work out of the way. When the spellchecker didn't understand you meant 'to' and not 'too', I'm guilty as much as you. When it's obvious you didn't bother to run the spellchecker is when I mind. I don't mind a few grammar mistakes sprinkled throughout, heck as long as I can read through it without having to figure out what you really meant, I'm good. It's just when you open the document in MS Word and the entire first page is underlined in green (meaning grammar errors galore or one long sentence fragment, I don't know which is worse), that I mind big time.

If English is your second language, I tried to read it in what I thinks is your first. I can do a decent job with Spanish, and the couple of the manuscripts I was able to do this with showed promise. You're talking to a woman who knows what it means to do marketing work in a locale that demands a language that isn't your first. My heart goes out to you.

The one writer that was Indian, I read just for plot. With a little more cultural information, I thought it had promise. That was the gist of my feedback. That said, get an translator/editor.

What seemed to drag me down was the topics people choose to write about. I'm a goody-two shoes queen (although I have seemed to have tarnished my crown recently by giving a quote about "papaya virgins" to a trade rag) so reading the following topics was extremely difficult even with the best writing (and no the topics weren't covered with any such skill):

• Mother telling her daughter why she got an abortion. The story ends noting that it was probably the 30th time she had been told about it.
• A gay guy tries to flirt with another guy (sexual orientation unknown) by teaching him yo yo tricks. Were there sexual innuendos abound in the tricks? Don't know. My comments were rather tame in the hopes that the author stays mum about such things during the class.
• Princess Diana didn't die, she had a terminally ill patient 'sit' in for her. You'll be glad to know that she was able to go to her son's wedding.

Conference starts on Wednesday, meeting Cheryl and hubby for dinner Tuesday night. I'm excited.

Taken away

I heard my boss call 911 and knew an ambulance was coming for a good friend at work. He has a history of heart problems so it wasn't that surprising. Knowing the guy, I knew he hated the fuss.


So instead of checking on him and probably crowding into the room where he works with eleven other people, I went out to the entrance to flag down the ambulance. The one productive thing I could do.


Walking past them onto the gravel path that leads to the parking lot, I heard the not so faint sound of the siren start. It didn't fade into hearing. It just started. The fire house being just over a mile away, I knew the truck was coming for my friend.

In flat Miami, streets are straight and long. In the distance came a black bubble. It seemed like a long time coming, but they made it and about 30 minutes later they left with my friend on a stretcher. He was sitting up, almost looking like he was sitting on a tall chaise lounge by the pool. It cheered me a little. And he is doing better, although still in the ICU.

I went back to work. I emptied the worry out of my mind and let work fill it. It's what kept me sane on 9/11. I made myself productive both times and many other times.


If you allow it, work can make you feel productive not so helpless at times like this; even mindless tasks accomplishes something. If you can't do anything about the larger picture, it helps to some impact on even a much, much smaller part.


Work is resilient. Someone leaves temporarily or permanently, intentionally or unintentionally and work will engulf the vacant spot. No one ever really fills the void the exact same way. Work changes around it, whether a factor of personality, skills, different expectations or shifting demands. Given time it's no longer a void, the ex-employee would no longer fit in the way they once did.


Maybe that's why I almost always do the work that I would've done on a vacation before vacation. I don't want my void filled while I'm gone. Not that any one's looking to fill my void, it's just a void is like a vacuum; the nature of work will always work to fill it. I guess I'm a little scared that I won't fit in upon my return.


You can be an alcoholic without binging. So I may represent the true definition of a workaholic. The actual number of hours worked matters little. The level of social life outside of work isn't the biggest factor. How much you need the mental stimulation found at work may be the key.



Today I needed the stimulation to avoid worrying. Tomorrow I'll go back to simply craving the stimulation.



Do I need a hobby. Why can't work be a hobby?

Question 3 of your FAQs:

What happened to Ursiline?
Adding to the corporate cultural quirks, no AT&Ter asked the question for the answer is a given.

That's because during AT&T's heyday in the 90's there were over 120,000 employees in the state of New Jersey.* NJ's not a huge state. Think of how many buildings were required to house that many people. Think of Holmdel, the huge monolithic AT&T Labs building where you could line two football fields up in its atrium. The football fields don't even count for the offices that branched out from the atrium.

The building was so huge that newcomers to that building would park their car on one end of the building not realizing the person's office they were visiting was on the other side of the building. After the meeting, looking for a fast exit out of the dark and deary place, the person would rush to the closest exit then spend a half an hour in the wrong parking lot looking for their car. If the golf carted parking security guard didn't notice them, the Holmdel police would call the guard to go pick up the person who called in the 'stolen vehicle' report.

So the answer to the question of Ursiline's current whereabouts is: I have no idea. I would've had a hard time finding her two years after the project with the company splintering in so many ways: mobile, cable, NCR (we bought'em then pushed them off), Lucent Technologies, Avaya..., each with their own 'headquarters' - HR, marketing and R&D to name only a few.

To say I asked a current employee to check the various and asundry directories to find her would mean asking them to put their job on the line. So let's just say hypothetically, she wasn't found.

I googled her. Unlike Cher, the Ursiline I knew didn't come up. I didn't know there were nuns named Ursulines, now I do.

I'd feel bad for her, but know I'm in the same situation. My 'secret' co-worker that gave me the choice of receiving the project cancellation via email or by paper has - over time - occasionally probably wondered what happened to me. In theory he could go back to our old cubicle city, but not only am I long gone but so are you - moves, new positions within the company, retirements and yes ex-employees.

*In time, AT&T would regret this huge concentration of employees for the mere fact of representation. Oh sure, you got both ears of the NJ governor and the state's delegates to Congress, but what interest would the Texas delegation have in talking with you? Sure you have sales offices all over the state, just like IBM, HP, etc. But IBM and HP had administrative offices. More numbers, more votes, more ears. It's true we had lots of central offices for all the networking equipment, but central offices don't vote.

Question 2 of your FAQs:

Question 2 of your FAQs: Why would I work on a project that my VP cancelled?
First off I hadn't been officially told of the cancellation. The VP thought someone in another division was participating not me. The other group got the cancellation memo and let me know. They gave me the option of receiving an email of the memo (paper trail) or picking up a copy. I choose to pick one up, meaning I never officially got the memo. I wasn't being obstinate; I was buying time.

HR had picked up 5% of my headcount for the project and in a land where a lay-off was never that far off, you make it harder for them to lay you off if you're working for three groups (not for any reason that I was so unreplaceable that three groups had dibs on me, but because it made for a lot of paperwork of the kind that made the people doing the lay-offs move on). Also the fact that one of your three groups was HR was a big bonus. HR never lays-off.

I need to explain the other two groups: one a marketing division and the other an R&D division. I would've loved to worked entirely for the R&D division but they weren't suppose to have marketing people working for them, plus their offices were near the expensive Jersey shore. I would've never been able to afford a house there.

For almost twenty years I worked for one R&D VP who always had the lead on new products and services. Much more exciting to work a launch on workflow automation, web site hosting, application programs, etc. than to work a new T1 line that has exciting asymetrical data push (vs symmetrical, trust me that was exciting for the T1 crowd). T1 is a big thick cable that is used from a business to the local central office. Chances are your office uses T1s for phones and data.

The R&D VP picked up between 40-49% of my headcount, never more than 49%. If the percent went greater than 49 then he would have to claim one whole marketing headcount when he wasn't suppose to have a marketing headcount.

So the other percent was picked up over time by various and asundry marketing VPs. In R&D when funding issues came up, you discussed dollars. In marketing, you discussed headcount. And the talk wasn't about, heah Sam you have 30 headcount and you only need 29. It was more, Sam you're a VP what are you doing if you only have 30 headcounts. Such a small group can be merged into another VP's division. We don't need you.

So the reason why the marketing VP got so mad at the HR VP was that HR took their 5% headcount off of marketing books. In effect the marketing VP lost a headcount. Never good. By ignoring the cancellation, it bought HR time to do the paperwork to move the 5% onto the R&D books. Everybody gets happy.

Woody Allen was wrong. Just showing up for work isn't 80% of the job.

Who said it had to make sense?